


Bury Me In Black

by InLoveAndSqualor



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Bandom - Freeform, M/M, MCR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-09
Updated: 2010-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-04 05:17:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InLoveAndSqualor/pseuds/InLoveAndSqualor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank & Gerard walk home together after spending the night drinking in a run-down backstreet bar...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. C1 Bury Me In Black

Tonight we spent far too long in that squalid little backstreet bar; drank from too many dirty chipped glasses filled hastily with cheap booze. 

Tonight we stumble and fall over our words; stumble and fall over each other. 

Tonight I know I’ve let myself stare at your lips, when you talk, for far too long. 

For hours now you’ve worn that seductive sinister smile that sends a thrill straight through me; a chill up my spine. 

You say you like walking through the city at night; say it’s better when it’s just you and me. You stop to light a cigarette under golden amber streetlight. You’re lit up like an angel cursing at the lighter in your hand that refuses to spark. I laugh softly as you dropkick the broken thing over the dark looming roofs of this deserted neighbourhood and retrieve clumsily a book of motel matches from your pocket.

You tell me you want to take a shortcut, you’re bored of the same old sights. With a reckless hand you pull me down a dark dank alley. I can hear your breathing over the sounds of the night, it’s harsh and heavy, and velvet in the air.

You falter and start to fall on the uneven ground and I catch you in my arms. You spin around quickly and our lips sit millimetres apart. You laugh uncontrollably. You are the worst kind of drunk. Your breath is hot and liquor spiced; and falls over my quivering lips seductively. You’re hanging upon me like a lover, hands wrapped tightly around my forearms for support. I long for you to say something but you just look at me, eyes smiling. And I’m so drunk tonight and we’ve spent so long standing here like this together that I forget myself completely. I press my lips to yours and clasp tightly your form to my chest.

You kiss me back. For what seems like forever, you kiss me back. Your tongue meets mine and I’m giddy with the sensation. You taste of the subtle tones of smoke and the sweetest touch of booze long since consumed. The scent of you fills my lungs. You are traces of aftershave on warm skin, you are whiskey splashed and tobacco stained. Lips pressed to mine, you run your shaking hands up my arms. With hands that tremble upon me you grasp my shoulders. 

Fingers dig into flesh, curl around forms of bones until it’s more than I can stand. I try to pull away but you’re holding tight. I cry against your lips and you press harder still. And when you push me away with all your might you hurl my back against the alleyway wall. Bones jar on bricks and it hurts. I know that you intended this and that hurts further still.

“Gerard,” I plead through fear shaken lips. 

I implore to you, reaching out trembling hands to touch your beauty. But you’re not the same man that stood before me minutes before. You don’t smile, you’re not okay. You shake in fear and anger; a blush runs over your cheeks and nose. Your hands are balled into fists, fingers turning an alarming shade of red, dappled white at the knuckles. 

You rest your forearm on the space by my head, towering over me, with the other hand you catch my chin. You force me to look into your brilliant eyes. Then, releasing my gaze, you claim my body in a way that causes my blood to run cold. Your touch is brutality and anger and want. It bruises inches that were already devoted to you and makes them recoil in fear. When your lips finally return to claim mine I am already lost to the sensation of a tear falling down my cheek cooling as it flees from you.

You wrap your fingers slowly around my throat and I choke out a stifled cry against your mouth.

Right at this awful moment I am so afraid of you. I’ve never been afraid of you. 

You part your lips from mine to tighten your grip around my aching throat and slam my head once again against the wall behind.

I feel my knees try to fail me; I feel nausea rising up through me; I feel your fingers tremble against my throat and I feel you reach down and loosen my belt.

“I hate the way you make me feel,” you say through ragged breath and heaving lungs; through sharpest pain and deepest sorrow.


	2. C2 Bury Me In Black

"I hate the way you make me feel," I hear stumble from my lips. And my words barely surface above the blood pumping in my ears; those words are lost to anger, bitterness and blame, words that can't disguise the pain and confusion that forged them.

And why do you look so afraid? And why does that make this rage burn so much deeper?

My breath rips out in ragged desperation and I know that I'm lost to the worst kinds of intoxication. Alcohol caresses mercilessly upon the intensity of feelings that shouldn't stir in me and raises them up to my rippling surface. 

The memory of your kiss bludgeons me again and again, like a fist I feel it's blow, feel the indignation of your attack.

I want to scream and scream until my voice goes hoarse, until my vocal chords give up and die; violence is in my every limb, my every thought. I can't find the tenderness that should be there. I can't escape from it, the way I know I can't escape from you.

And each agonising day working up to this moment I've kept myself in check, I've tried day after day to hide my desires in the shadows where even I can feel like they don't exist. And you come to me time after time. You test my wavering fortitude, seemingly happy to expose my boundless weakness.

Like even now, it feels like you're trying to destroy who I am.

You who could be my saviour, you're here breaking me down.

Midnight tones wash over our drunken reckless bodies, they shake in unison in something that feels like pain. 

This hate, this hurt, it belongs to you I want to scream, I want to cry. 

You beneath my touch is more than I can bear, and I agonise amongst the sensation. I can't count the moments I have ran from, just to find us here in the shadows steeped in sin. And you've done this to us, you've done this to me.

I want to just take my hands that burn upon you and squeeze. Press down on your throat until I can't crush out any more life. Destroy the thing that rips apart my walls and inhabits my senses, that takes all I believe and dashes it against the rocks.

Cruel desires live in me and pity is hard to find against the blame that swells and crashes and points it's decaying index at the man trembling before me.

I know my face cannot disguise the hate that grows and reaches into my every part, and it's as if I'm being taken over. My lips are a snarl that I can't bear to display. But I want to destroy everything in this moment, you, me and this world that makes everything I dream of just a dream.

The alcohol has it's sticky hold around my larynx, making me want to gag. I want to dispel this poison that has spread into my every pore; has dulled my senses and disarmed my guard. Made me dare to hold you close and feel your warmth. And for those moments before hurt and anger took a hold and made a servant of my senses I dared to feel alive in your arms; felt the sedation of intoxication taken from me and sobriety find me just in the moment that I felt our lips collide. 

And a car crash is how this feels, and can I make it out of this twisted wreck alive?

So I'm asking myself why it is that we hurt the ones we love? Because the ones we love can hurt us the most. Can tear at our emotions and seep into our subconscious and make us feel the very last things that we can bear to feel.

I don't want to be this way I want to explain, I want to tell you it's not your fault but these lips won't move and this rage won't subside. And lost in your tear glazed eyes I can't summon the love or tenderness I know should be there. All that consumes me is the notion that this is your doing. You make me come apart at the sight of your face, you make me fall to these awful temptations. I'm trapped here somewhere between violence and love.

The skin of your neck feels cool under my hot hand, the other lingering by your hip as if waiting for a command. 

I try to think, beg for a chance that my world might stop spinning, that my mouth wasn't so dry and tasting of the desperation long consumed now mercilessly consuming me.

I steady my breath, try to find myself, but I'm lost in this midnight alley, lost in the seduction that just exists in our being alone here.

I berate myself for the drink upon drink that I just had to bring to my lips, the gulps that I took just to summon that hazy drink soaked world, reality softened so that I don't have to completely face being alone with you.

And when I can't take turning you down any longer I always chose to lead us to those kind of bars, places where you can be lost in anonymous degradation. Where you get that comforting sensation you're not the only one desperately trying to lose themselves in the the dark shadow leaden corners of what could be any particular backstreet bar.

And it's only the violent attraction that I'm trying to drown every time, and it's in that attempt at destruction that it grows all the more. 

Why do I think I can escape this? Escape you? Escape your gaze as it settles stubbornly upon my lips when I try to avoid it, escape your intensity as I futilely try to disarm it.

I can't just say no to you when you try for my company, because what you ask for is something buried within a shallow grave in my own heart.

This alleyway seems like a world away from our lives, our responsibilities, it's miles and miles from the reality where I have to stand strong. And in the moments when I let myself forget my objections it opens out into a landscape of immensity and wonder, it no longer sits here in its confined parameters behind a city asleep; it is our stage and we're playing out our story. And what is it we are cast in? It feels like tragedy and love are so uniquely intertwined. 

My hand that had been so lost in the gulf inbetween us reaches it's uncertain fingers and finds your hip. I try to soften my eyes, ease the venom from the hold I have upon your throat. I look at you and you can't move, you're frozen in fear and pain and I know I am the cause of all your suffering. I'm hurting you because I just can't feel this way, I can't soften and I can't give in and I can't take what all this will mean. Because this isn't just a choice to take, another option in my life. All of this just can't be.

My eyes search across your features and I'm looking at you to make this okay. 

Your lips tremble at the intensity and depth of my gaze, they beg me to find myself. 

You're so beautiful in the half light. You're scared and vulnerable and you look like a child... And it's as if I can feel my mind cracking, my thoughts soften and break. I melt away at the sight of your cheekbones hollowed in moonlight and shadows, your eyes are autumnal shades, deep and sparkled with brushstrokes of silver hue. Your lips are alone and ask to dance with me, hold my gaze in a way I'd never imagined before they could.

Is this something to hide from? To fear and reject and lose in rage. 

Like lying down the sword in some endless battle I feel myself slowly disarm. But can this really be? Can I let this happen knowing that this won't be the end. It can't. An indiscretion can last a lifetime and I can't escape that this is more than a drunken mistake. If I give in now I can't turn back. Because I can't pretend anymore that I don't think of you, that my every spare moment isn't consumed with your image. 

Suddenly your hand reaches up and wipes what must be a tear from my cheek, and the shock of your gentle touch is beyond anything I could imagine.

I close my eyes at the agony of what I have done. Still I see the memory of your expression as I harmed you, as I slammed your head back against the alley's wall. Feel regret sting and claw at my tortured mind. And still your uncertain fingers remain on me, not letting me escape what I have done to you. 

Your wonders are countless, your forgiveness unimaginable.

"It's just," I manage to stutter. "It's just… I can't… The way you make me feel… "


End file.
